How to write coming outs

Coming out to friends, family, your crush, or your employer can be a difficult though beautiful thing, depending on the situation.

It’s important to write them accurately, especially if you’re not part of the LGBTQIAA+ community!

Here are some tips!

1. Keep the tragedy away

There is one thing that I hate about coming outs: when queer people apologize or cry because they feel wrong.

I get it: they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t love who they love and shouldn’t feel like a different gender. This, though, isn’t a justification for perpetrating the narrative of queer = tragic.

Please, make their coming out glorious, sweet, normal, anything but tragic. Don’t show us the moms clenching their jaw in disgust. Don’t make them say things like “you’re going to hell”, “this is not right”, or things like this.

It’s also very important to write healthy families accepting their queer kids, because we don’t see that often in books!

Change that bigot mom into a supportive one. Change that absent father into the one who teaches his transgender son how to shave. Let us see that a future like this can exist, and will!

2. Reactions

Of course, this depends on the personality of your characters, but here are some tips!

It’s totally normal to be euphoric if you’re also a member of the queer community, because you’re going to feel like someone finally shares your struggles and joys. But being a little too euphoric can pass as weird. Try to keep their reaction joyful and supportive but within the limit.

Again, unless the story MUST absolutely have a homophobe, please don’t write people reacting with disgust at your queer character’s coming out, especially if they’re a crush, a dear friend, or family. I totally understand that this world isn’t as queer-friendly as we’d like, but PLEASE! Books are an escape and a way to teach, remember!

3. Tension

Your queer character IS going to be tense if the person they’re coming out to has some kind of power, like if they’re an employer, a professor, a therapist, a parent.

At the same time, though, tension shouldn’t be too high. If it is, it means that there are some problems: you should ONLY come out to people you feel absolutely safe with. If you think you might be in danger or simply not be totally happy with them knowing about your queerness, don’t come out.

Not coming out doesn’t make you any less queer! You know who you are at your core, and you can go on leading your life the way you want.

With this being said, yes, your character will be a little nervous. Just a little. If they’re shaking, throwing up, crying, or almost passing out, that’s a sign they probably shouldn’t be out to that person.

(Unless it’s in their personality to be very nervous in certain situations.)

4. The wrong words

Here are some examples of things that your supportive mom/dad/friend shouldn’t say to your queer character coming out. Of course, they can say them if you want to show that they’re not really savvy, but please make your LGBT oc correct them!

Coming out as bi:

- “So half of you is straight, right?”

- “Does this mean you want to have multiple partners?”

- “Isn’t this a little greedy?”

- “Well, but what do you prefer?”

- “Does it mean you have a crush on me?”

Coming out as gay:

- “Finally, I have a gay friend!”

- “Just let me introduce to this gay friend I have, maybe you two will end up together”

- *pushes gay stereotypes on them*

- “Are you a top or a bottom?”

- “Why didn’t you choose to stay straight?”

- “So, no grandkids?”

Coming out as trans:

- “Ah, yes, I knew it.”

- “Well, but if you’re trans it means you’re gay now. Couldn’t you stay straight?”

- “I support you, but you have to understand you’ll never be a real man/woman.”

- “Oh, so what’s your real name?” (Actually asking for their deadname)

- “Did you have the surgery?”

- “What a waste! You’re such a beautiful girl/boy!”

Coming out as non-binary:

- “Oh, I don’t think this is possible. People can only have either a penis or a vagina.”

- “Don’t worry, this feeling will pass. You’re just very straight and feel the attraction to the opposite sex as if you want to actually be them. Happens to all of us.”

- “Oh. I think we should break up. I don’t want to date someone who isn’t a girl/boy.”

- “You’re sure about this?”

- “This doesn’t make any sense.”

I have A LOT more to say, but this post is getting long enough! Comment some sun emojis to let me know you’d like part 2!